When my second daughter was born I remember praying so fervently, ‘Lord let my girls best friends.‘ With a newborn and a two year old I couldn’t bear the thought of them ever fighting!
Now they’re teens. I’ve gotten used to it.
I don’t love them fighting, but I’ve realized it’s normal. It has become so normal I usually chuckle or join in the fighting in some obnoxious and lighthearted way. (They hate that.)
That said, it is still important to us that our children build a life-long bond. Sibling relationships are the longest relationships we’ll have in our whole lifetime, so getting along and loving each other is really important!
Here’s 6 tips on helping siblings to love each other:
1- Talk it out.
When my oldest two were about 2 and 5 I thought I had discovered the magic cure. I remember announcing to our small group, “I figured it out!” I realized that if I made the girls talk it out every time there was a conflict, that usually dissipated any negative emotions and helped them to come to a logical solution.
From a young age we practiced having the children:
- Stop the commotion.
- Verbalize how they feel.
- Explain what upset them.
- Tell what they wold like to see happen now.
Believe it or not, this works wonders! But that’s definitely not all.
2- Loosen up, but don’t let go.
As the older two got older, their fights became more complicated. Talking it out barely helped and sometimes made things worse. I relaxed on trying to solve every little issue, thinking, ‘these are just short term problems any way. Surely in the long term they’ll be friends.‘
Well, turns out that wasn’t a great idea. Increasingly, when there was a conflict someone would throw in the last five conflicts too! ‘Yeah but, remember last time! You….’ The conflicts among them were building up and adding fuel to their fires!
I thought, ‘My gosh, they are literally keeping a record of wrongs!’
It became apparent that we did need to intentionally encourage helpful conversation and bring some kind of resolution to conflicts even if they seemed small.
I don’t insist on resolving everything. That would be a painful nightmare. However, we can’t always use a bandaid.
So give instruction and guidance regularly. I believe that gentle coaching through small conflicts will allow them to handle bigger ones later.
Below are three more tips that are more preventative in nature.
3- Encouragement Circle
We started what we call, The Encouragement Circle when the kids were little. The way it works is simple. The kids take turns sitting in the middle of the circle. Now a-days, we don’t need to be in a literal circle we just say, “So and so is in the middle.”
Then those outside the circle take turns saying something encouraging to that person- something they have done well, something they are good at, etc. That way every person in the family has an opportunity to encourage the person in the middle. If time allows we put someone else in the circle next.
4- Pray for each other
Take turns praying for each other. When a sibling is sick, we all pray for them. When it is a siblings birthday, we all pray for them. Before bed sometimes we take turns praying for each other.
We encourage the kids to take a moment to listen to the Holy Spirit and think through how they would like the Lord to bless them.
Some really beautiful prayers have come out of this time. Nothing softens the heart like asking God what He sees in your sibling.
5- Share in each others feelings.
I’ve had the below conversation with each of my children. I just recently said these words to my six year old:
“If Malachi [3] shows you a drawing he is really proud of, would it be nice for you to notice how poorly he did the eyes and nose say, ‘I could do better than that!‘ Of course not! If Malachi is excited, then we share in that excitement. Similarly, if he is sad, even when you don’t think he should be, it is nice to share in his sadness. It is very loving when we share in each others feelings.”
This is empathy 101. We share in each others feelings. I’ve found that this basic conversation has helped the kids to get out of their own heads and see things from their siblings eyes many times.
What about you? What tips or tricks have you found help your children to get along?