How Then Shall We Raise Our Sons

Recently, an impending snow storm warranted a family trip to the store for new snow gear. While looking at the selection of gloves in front of us, my three year old son patted my side. “Mommy, I want to show you something.” He took my hand and led me around the corner where he pointed to a poster at his eye level of a women modeling a pushup bra and spandex shape-wear. Her shoulders were turned slightly and she was embracing herself. “Can I look at this?” he asked. “No son”. “Okay”, he said, as he put his head down and walked back to the gloves.

The headlines are filled with scandal after scandal. Women all over the country are coming out with allegations of sexual abuse, harassment and mistreatment. Men in the spotlight, from Hollywood to ESPN and on both sides of the political spectrum, are now stepping down and resigning.

In this climate I hope a critical question arises: How then shall we raise our sons?

I would like to offer four simple truths to which we should hold firm and teach often from pre-school to high-school:

1.  The female body is beautiful by God’s design and men by nature will be attracted to it.

Thus, we will not shy away from recognizing the female body as beautiful. Likewise, we will expect our sons to be attracted to girls and women. There is nothing wrong with this. But unless that woman is his wife, she should be regarded as his sister. 1 Timothy 5:2 reads, “[regard] older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.” We can teach our sons that yes, women are externally beautiful, but that beauty is so you will marvel at God’s creation not lust or desire her for your own selfish pleasure. This means we should talk about women in a way that demands respect, admiration and tenderness.

2.  Men are called to use self-control, not only with their hands, but with their eyes and mind as well.

A very good safeguard in training out boys to not only keep their hands to themselves, is to keep their eyes to themselves as well. Poor sexual behavior begins in the mind and heart by lusting after that which is not ours to lust. For decades Judeo-Christian values have been criticized as being prudish. It is the rejection of many profound and ageless truths that has led to the mistreatment of so many women. These truths are what governs decent society and culture. We have been given and sadly rejected a little known truth- “You shall not commit adultery.”

Intimacy is reserved for marriage. This includes not only physical intimacy, but even the way one looks or thinks about another. We need to teach our children self-control. Many parents think of self-control in terms of “keeping your hands to yourself,” etc. Even “keeping your hands to yourself” is a very rare virtue these days; one that would have saved more than one man his job and reputation!

However, it is also so important (especially with boys) that self-control be taught regarding their eyes and minds as well. It is our job as parents to instruct our sons to guard their eyes and be aware of their thoughts. One can hardly walk through a store, watch TV, drive down a road, or work on the computer without seeing a women portrayed sexually. We must teach our sons at a young age to divert their gaze as well as their thoughts.

3.  If you throw your child into the fire expect them to get burned.

Children absolutely need to use self-control, but that doesn’t mean we as parents are off the hook. Our role is to set limits, boundaries, and restrictions that will give them time to mature before they face the plethora of temptation that the world will flood them with. That means we are very selective about what we allow on our TV, computers, phone screens and anything else within our control. Before letting your son watch a movie, ask yourself if you agree with the way the female role is portrayed.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve finished watching a movie and left disgusted at the role a woman played, even movies that don’t have sex or romantic scenes. Here is the typical female role: secondary character, flirtatious, sexy figure, unrealistically tight clothing, perfect makeup throughout the movie (seriously, even in disaster movies!), very little personality, and frequent shots of her chest and cleavage.

Addressing this area of risk wouldn’t be complete without specifically addressing the internet. No matter how great a job you may have done teaching your children how to navigate safely, if you are ultimately relying on their self-control to use the internet appropriately it is time to rethink your methods. I strongly urge parents to wake up to this inescapable reality: if your child is freely using the internet, they are not always using self-control. Let’s think about this for a minute. If they aren’t always using self-control, does that mean they may have viewed or frequently view inappropriate material? Yes. So, how does this make them feel about themselves? Does it increase their self-esteem? Does it grow their understanding and respect of women? No, in fact it has the opposite effect.

It is time for parents to pull their heads out of the sands of denial and help their child to be the person they ultimately want to be by enforcing guidelines and limitations. No thirteen-year-old wants to be the kid who looks at porn each night. However, with no consequences, no restrictions, total secrecy, and unbridled curiosity and of course, those flowing hormones, how can he resist?

Accountability helps others to be the person they want to be. That is exactly what our sons need. Have them use the internet in a common area or around family members. Don’t allow them to have phones/ computers in their bedroom at night. Ask them questions before they go on the internet: “What would you like to use the internet for?” And follow up with them afterwards: “What did you find on the internet today?” “Did you see anything by accident?” Use the internet together. Let them see you searching for thoughtful material, read news articles, watch informative videos. Set the tone for how the internet can be used. If they see you only using the internet for social media and gossip articles, they will likely do the same.

Get smart about the internet. Don’t give them unmonitored access. Use time limits, software, filters, etc., but don’t throw your kid helplessly into the fires of the internet and expect they won’t get burned. Left with no boundaries your child will see women portrayed in ways that are demeaning. And left to the world, your child will view women the way the world portrays them, as sex objects.

4. Unfortunately, not all women will be a part of the solution.

Plenty of women willingly flaunt themselves for a number of different reasons. Maybe they do it to gain influence or power, maybe to increase their sense of self-worth through the attention they receive from men, or maybe even to give them superiority over other women. Thus, we need to teach our sons to treat all women respectfully, even those who don’t seem to have the needed self-respect or hold themselves to an appropriately high standard. We should encourage our sons to pursue relationships with women of character, who want to be a part of the solution and refuse to participate in the sexualization of women.

We can warn them to be on guard against women and girls who will try to use their power of sexuality over them.  In some situations a women may be flirting or acting inappropriately because she was never taught otherwise. Many women act out sexually because tragically, they have been abused sexually. Training our sons to think soberingly in these types of situations will allow them to make better and wiser choices.

It seems impossible to listen to the news without hearing about another sex scandal. This is disheartening and even confusing. As parents we can take advantage of this climate to talk with our sons. We can give a rebuttal to the wrong ideas about women and relationships that have be prevalent for way too long.

We can teach our sons that a women’s worth has far more to do with her character, ability, spirit and nature then her external features.