There is almost nothing more irritating then when your children fight with one another. Their pitch changes from reasonable to high and awful, harsh words are said and perhaps a few things are thrown or grabbed. Most of the time I would rather put a pillow over my head, ignore what’s going on and hope it works itself out!
Far too often I’ve heard this idea promoted that children need to be left alone to resolve their own conflicts. While this sounds good to some, in practice this does usually not play out well. It is in fact the blind leading the blind. Even worse, it can turn into a Lord of the Flies situation. It is our God-given role as parents to pass on wisdom and direction, especially when it comes to loving one another. To not get involved is like assuming they will successfully learn to build something just because they have an idea of what they want the end result to be, but are given no materials, no tools and no instructions.
Now let’s be real. Not every squabble and disagreement needs intervention. But children will benefit from regular guidance on problem solving. As they mature, they will begin to incorporate these skills with less and less outside intervention.
When I had only two children I embraced squabbling as an opportunity to teach proper conflict resolution techniques. However, as we’ve had more children and the times that they squabble are too numerous to count, I’ve had to remind myself why it is important to get involved.
Embracing the squabbles as learning opportunities is hard work now, but it will be very good for your children’s future.
Here are some things I’ve had to remind myself of. Maybe they will help you remove the pillow and embrace these learning opportunities:
- Developing healthy problem solving habits begins now. Consider that in each situation you have the opportunity to shape how your child problem solves. How many of us know adults who still get angry and stomp away from a frustrating conversation. Being an adult doesn’t automatically equal maturity. Take the time now to guide your children to a calm resolution. Be sure to bear in mind that children are still children. Don’t necessarily expect the things you teach them to take root immediately. They are by nature still immature, but trust that you are planting seeds for their future.
- Learning to get along with siblings is excellent practice for learning to get along with others later in life. If one can learn to get along with or better yet, love their sibling who they can’t get away from, how much more will they be equipped to get along with others, such as a co-worker, a boss, or a classmate? Taking this a step further, if our children can learn to love each other through conflicts, frustrations, annoying habits, etc., they will be much better prepared for a healthy marriage relationship, should marriage be in their future.
- Embracing conflict develops a healthy perspective on conflict. Conflict doesn’t always have to be negative. It may not always feel great, but it can be helpful and positive. Most children’s response to conflict is anger and frustration. Until they mature and gain some perspective, this will probably be the case. However, we can equip them with the tools they need to problem solve now, so they can work through conflict healthily.
Good luck! I hope these three points are enough for you to get involved in guiding some healthy conflict resolution.
An important note before you set off:
Don’t mistake getting involved in conflict resolution with being the problem solver. Giving good solutions to a problem may be necessary at times, but more than anything, think of yourself as the guide to problem solving (and perhaps a referee at times). Point them in the right direction, but let them come up with the actual solution.
